I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
