She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
