So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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