I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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