Pants 0. Shit 1.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
