If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
