yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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