You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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