Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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