U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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