kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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