u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
