3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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