There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
