yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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