Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
