i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
my liver is dry heaving
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
