Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
