I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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