I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
