I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
