Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
