I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
