every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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