im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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