Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize