in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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