I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
