I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Is Oprah even human
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
