I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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