I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
