It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize