you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
