I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
3pm strippers are depressing
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
