if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
