So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
