I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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