I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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