I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
