You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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