The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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