remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize