Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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