she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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