Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
