she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
