I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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