Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The power of my boobs compel you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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