i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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