Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
