apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
