who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
