did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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