Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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