My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
