I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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