1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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