if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
