Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
