Christians are straight up FREAKS
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
