I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
