I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize