I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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