His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
