# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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