i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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