It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
